NightStar Crisis

[Mathis]

I'm all over the place asking for advice.

Here is the journal for critique that needs questions:
http://advent-axl.deviantart.com/journal/27142984/#comments

Here is the story:
http://advent-axl.deviantart.com/art/Celestial-Project-Notes-136605425

Help please.

[EDIT] I would like to change the title to just plain 'NightStar Crisis' please