Post your jokes here

[BlueSonnet]

Dirty ones need to be placed with a spoiler tag. Here's my cue

Good old Mike Reed quotes:

I was at the disco the other night. Walked up to this bird and went "Do you want a dance?" and she went "I can't hear ya!" so shouted louder "I said do you want a dance?" "I can't hear ya!" i went "DO YOU WANT A DANCE?" and then she went "I DON'T LIKE THE DISCO, I DON'T LIKE THE MUSIC, AND I DON'T LIKE YOU! NOW WHAT DID YOU SAY?" and i said "YOU LOOK FUCKING FAT IN THE DRESS!"

I don't like these wooden stage floors. My brother was on these once and fell right through. If there hadn't been a rope around his neck he could've had a nasty accident.

Hear about the scientist who invented the self-lubricated pussy? He took it home and showed it to his wife. And she went "What i am i supposed to do with it?" he said "Teach it to cook aND FUCK OFF!"

13 things Billy Connelly hates about people

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....
I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the
entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV
and change the channel manually.

3. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat
it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of
course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found
it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, "did you see that?".
No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the
fucking floor.

6. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really
give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's
new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's
longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the
bus come yet? If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things lik,e "My eyes aren't what they used to
be". So what did they used to be? Ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks, "Is that
nice?" No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks,
that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you
don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to
be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well
I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

[GG Hendrix]

What's small, red, and runs in tiny circles screaming?
A baby with it's left foot nailed to the floor.


Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Patient: What's the bad news?
Doctor: You have AIDS.
Patient: Oh my god, whaton earth is the good news?
Doctor: The cancer's eating it.

There's a kid sitting on his grandma's lap, sucking her tit, and he feels something slide down his throat
"Grandma" he says "You're a bit old for giving milk, aren't you?"
"That's not milk, son, it's cancer."

[Goku911]

"Blondes going to Disney-Land"

Couple of blondes decided to go to the Disney-Land.
They drived and drived, then they saw a sign "Disney-Land Left"
The blondes waited for a minute. Then they turned back and headed home.

"Where is this bus going?

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

"Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Notice These Are Only Jokes, Please Do Not Take It Personaly.

Anyways I got more of these in my mind, but please drop by and post yours:g-neko: :g-drop:

[lordmetroid]

"Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
THAT is hilarious. Here's mine:

There are 3 blondes trapped on an island. They find a genie. The first blonde wishes she was 10 times smarter. So she buildes a raft and gets eaten by sharks. The second blonde wishes she was 50 times smarter and builds a boat. An alligator jumps onboard and eats her. The third blonde wishes she was 100 times smarter and walks across the bridge.

Also, I think this should be in Smeg Head.

[Goku911]

Hahaa that was good one.


Who can say this sentence?

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

[Rainbow Dash]

...This belongs in smeg head. Can someone move it there (though there might already be one)?

[BlueSonnet]

Not only will i move the thread i'll merge it with the joke thread there. Do your homework peeps.

Really old joke
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the Old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train- I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[T3h_Waffleman]

Two guys are going hunting. One guy says to the other, "Hey, I can see your house from through this scope. And your wife's cheating on you with another man!" The other guy says, "I'm sick of that bitch! Shoot her in the head and him in the dick!" The first guy says, "No problem, I can get that in one shot!

[Fuzion]

What do I spy?
I spy something long and hairy, if you get too close it might be scary... What is it?

A rabid weiner dog.

Yo Mom! No, Yo Mom!
Yo Mama so stupid, she wore a blindfold on her blind date.

Yo Mama so fat, she makes Sally Struthers look like a twig.

Yo Mama so ugly, she broke the aquarium tanks.

[Blitz Mage]

There was a single father with three daughters, each of which was born a few years after the one before. The dad did a fairly good job raising them on his own after his wife passed on, but long hours at work left him kinda isolated from his family. As the years progressed though, and as he became more successful, he was finally able to reduce his hours to the normal 40 a week so he could finally spend time with his daughters. By this time though, they had respectively become 7, 9, and 11-years old.

As the father spent more time with his kids, the daughters realized that they had no clue where their names had come from. So, they all agree to ask their father what they were named after. The first daughter asks her father, "Daddy, why's my name 'Rose?'"

The dad smiled warmly, "Well hon, shortly after your were born, a rose petal blew in through the window and landed on your head. Your mother and I, God rest her soul, were so moved by that image that we immediately agreed to name you Rose as a result."

The eldest daughter Rose smiled and went on to tell her sisters how she got her name. The middle child decided to ask as well, immediately going to her father and asking why she had been named "Violet."

The dad grinned happily, "Well baby, shortly after your were born, a violet fell from a bouquet that a nurse had brought in fell as she was putting it in a vase and landed on your head. Your mother and I, God rest her soul, were so moved by that image that we immediately agreed to name you Violet as a result." The second daughter was equally pleased with this story, and went on to tell her younger and older sister.

The youngest daughter, anxious and excited over her elder sisters' stories, decided to ask her father as well. She immediately went to her father and asked, "Bwah hegh urr glou stoupee do?"

The father looked at her annoyingly, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

[tuckur21]

whats long hard and full of seamen?
a submarine
what body part doubles in size when you get excited?
th pupil
man i wonder what you pervs were thinking of

[Type-BLUES.EXE]

whats long hard and full of seamen?
a submarine
what body part doubles in size when you get excited?
th pupil
man i wonder what you pervs were thinking of

Your jokes are so stupid, i could scratch my butt with them.
->Your first joke requires it to be verbally pronounced in order for it to have the desired effect. Otherwise it's glaringly obvious that you're talking about something to do with the navy's submarine corps.
->I think it goes past doubling, therefore the only other body part that doubles in size is obviously the pupil.

What's big, red and eats rocks?
A big, red, rock eater, of course! (Lame joke, bite me. I was only planning to do the first part).

[Daemonseele]

A man is waiting in the waiting room of a psychologist's office. He asks the doctor, "Say, I got a question. How do you institutionalize the patients?"
The doctor replies, "Well we give the patient a tub full of water, a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket and tell the patient to empty the tub.
"Oh! So a normal person would use the bucket, right?" said the man.
"No, a normal person would just pull the plug."

[megajosh2]

Lame joke.


A man from another planet is named Esmaius Deanzt Binthorax. So I guess you could say his name is Esmai Dean B. LOL. Think about it for a second. Say it to yourself. Esmai Dean B.

[crimson hammer]

ok there is a cuople who are just married go to thier honeymoon to do thier thing. So when the wife took of the guys shoes she asks what happened to your feet. He says he got foolio. she says dont you mean polio. then guy says no this only happens to the feet. So then she took of his pants. She asks what happened to your knees. He says he got kneesels. She says dont you mean measels. No it only happens to the knees. So then she took off his boxers and said.....Let me guess you have smalll cocks tooo.

There once was a girl who came home with a nickel. Her mother asked where did you get it. she says I got from a boy after showing him my panties. Then the mother said not to do it ever again. So the next week she brought home another nickel. Then the mother said im disapointed. But the girl says " But mother I tricked him this time, I wasn't wearing panties

[megajosh2]

I blatantly advertied on the forum. In big capital letters, I said:

BIG SALE AT JC PENNY!

[Hotenshu Shogun]

A conversaition between the Earthen Kings on Icon Ultima. It's not really a joke but I think it's funny, probably because I was part of it.:
{|Sprinting Wolf|} Ryu Hayabusa doth say:Some naruto village tried to recuit me.
{|Sprinting Wolf|} Ryu Hayabusa doth say:Then called me a fake ninja when I declined
{|Sexy Pheonix|} Ryahon doth say:I'm getting sick of these fucking morons, they want us to join, then give us the lowest rank!
{|Sleepy Dragon|} Shu Hu Yang doth say:Yeah, I mean we're Kings why would we want to trade up or Crowns for Head Protectors?
{|Sprinting Wolf|} Ryu Hayabusa doth say: Really!
{|Sprinting Wolf|} Ryu Hayabusa doth say:Btw
{|Sprinting Wolf|} Ryu Hayabusa doth say: Shu, what's up with your Icon? Is that a white megaman with a beard?
{|Sleepy Dragon|} Shu Hu Yang doth say:No!
{|Sleepy Dragon|} Shu Hu Yang doth say:It's Komeiman!
{|Sexy Pheonix|} Ryahon doth say:Who the fuck is Komeiman?
{|Sleepy Dragon|} Shu Hu Yang doth say: Zhuge Liang in Megaman form!
{|Sexy Pheonix|} Ryahon doth say:Shu, you're losing your touch with icons.
{|Sleepy Dragon|} Shu Hu Yang doth say:Nevermind, which land are we taking today?
{|Sprinting Wolf|} Ryu Hayabusa doth say:The "village in the mist", all their fucking passwords are naruto! This is getting worse than the DBZ craze!
{|Sleepy Dragon|} Shu Hu Yang doth say:Wait, didn't we already conquer the vilage in the mist?
{|Sprinting Wolf|} Ryu Hayabusa doth say:This is a different one.
{|Sleepy Dragon|} Shu Hu Yang doth say:This is starting to loose variety, why do we still do this? We own most of the north.
{|Sexy Pheonix|} Ryahon doth say:Because, there's a lovily beach in the south.
{|Sprinting Wolf|} Ryu Hayabusa doth say:I conquered it an hour ago.
{|Sleepy Dragon|} Shu Hu Yang doth say:Now that we own this server, lets conquer another one.